Nobody wants a writer to lose their voice in the edit, but there are several things to consider in a sentence with a comma in its middle. The sentence that I just wrote is a loose sentence in Strunk and White's view in The Elements of Style
(page 25), because it's connected with a conjunction (but) and a comma. Get enough of these in a short stretch and you run the risk of letting the reader's focus drift. The best alternative for the comma-conjunction (such as ", and") is to break the sentence into two, or use a stronger break such as a long dash, or a colon or semicolon.
It's a simple survey on your rewrite: just search for ", and." Some are fine, but too many of them will give you a chance to tighten the reader's focus.
Labels: craft, grammar